ready to bubble up

summer leaves me vulnerable

summer leaves me vulnerable,
I feel guilty that I haven’t been working,
guilty that I’m still around
when my parents and brother, and so many others,
have passed away,
their absence makes my presence seem wrong,
undeserved, a debt that can soon come due,

I find it easy to discover something in my body not exactly right,
and it becomes scary, like a bill collector too long not paid,

this week I’ve noticed brief golden flashes at the periphery of my left eye,
I dismiss it, then I obsess about it,
so I decide on an eye-doctor visit next week when I’m to be back in town,
and suddenly get the word it might be bad
and to get me to an eye-doctor today, while still here in Tennessee,
so I do,
and the problem is on the hopeful side of possibility,
I’m relieved that I can go home and just be aware,
I sigh away my fears
and bring back in my emergency bag I had in the car
in case I had to go to the hospital,
and, right as rain, the next day I find something else to worry about,

I’m relaxed enough to feel strongly
and to realize all my feelings ready to bubble up:
I cry easily,
I laugh easily,
and life as loss and endings shakes me with its truth.

by Henry H. Walker,
August 13, ’11